I’ve latelynoticed a dark shadow falling over my neighborhood—and it’s not just Halloween, or that winter is coming inthe ominous “Game of Thrones” way. Rather, it’s homeowner after homeowner succumbing to a strange new trend: painting their home, sweet home, black. Black!
I firstspotted this alarmingfad in Brooklyn, where I live, when I recently turneda corner to find that aneighbor’s lovely brownstonehad been coated in inky ebony.It looked likeDarth Vader had moved in. Since then,I’ve been seeing black houses pop up everywhere—notjust in my area, but also in real estate listings coast to coast as well as onhome decorsites.
Black housesare even a thing with celebs:Calvin Klein has one in Southampton, NY; Madonnahas her own in nearby Bridgehampton. To wit, the trend has even claimed the Shelter Island home of designerJonathan Adler,whoexplainedin Architectural Digest that black houses “are very common in Japan, and whenever we were there, we vowed to someday have a black house.”
At first, Adler continues, “our neighbors thought the house looked very ominous and coffinlike … but with a bit of bamboo, some dune grasses, and a few Japanese pines, it went from ominous to serene.”
Hmmm. There’s no denying that black is bold, dramatic, deep. I don’t mind seeing it in small doses, like an accent wall or door. But your whole house? So I’m just going to come out and say it:I hate black houses, and I don’t think I’m alone by a long stretch! Here’s why everyone shouldthink twice beforethey pick up a can of black paint.
1. Black houses areoverly hip
Much like cultivating an ironic handlebar mustache or attending a dusty music festival in a headdress, painting the façade of your house black screams, “I’m cool. Notice me!”That’s a bit sad in itself, but while it’sone thing tohop on trends with your hair or musical tastes, it’s a whole different ballgame to subject your whole house to it. After all, your home is not just a means of expression,it’s also probably the largest financial investment you’ll ever make. And with that, you want to tread carefully since the trendier the trend, the further it will fall (more on that next).
2. This fad will fade faster than paint dries
Even if youthink that black houses look cool, remember this:Today’s fadsare tomorrow’s regrets.Need an example? Look no further than the glass-block exterior wall craze of the 1980s. Black houses are today’s equivalent. That means that all too soon, your “hip” house will look likea “Brady Bunch” wood–paneled den.
3. Black paint equals hotbox
Black paint acts as a heat sponge. As proof, the show “Mythbusters” did an experiment with two cars, one white and one black. After being left to bake in the sun, the black car’s interior was almost 10 degrees hotter than itswhite twin. This explains whyyou can find some pretty sweetblack homes in frigid Latvia. And maybe if I lived in a place where it can get down to minus 22 degrees Fahrenheit in the wintertime, I’d be slapping on coats of Abyss to help warm my house, too. But in a more temperate climate—I’m looking at you, L.A.—that black paint is simply turning your home into a slow cooker.
4.Black paint doesn’tlast long
“I see your red door, I want it painted black. No colors any more, I want them to turn black,”Mick Jagger once sang. But as a rock star, he probably doesn’t have to do much exterior maintenance. And rest assured, once the sun pounds your home, your black paint willheat up, fade,blister, andpeel far faster than other colors. And much of the black paint on these housesare covering materials such as cedar shingles and brick—which technically aren’t meant to be painted.So if you paint once, it won’t last long, and you’ll have to keep right on painting. Over and over and over.
5.You’ll have a harder time selling your home
When the time comes whenyou need to sellyour home, its black hue will really leave you hanging.In fact, whenthe owners of that black-painted Brownstone in my neighborhood decided to sell, they realized quickly that they’d have to repaint. Their cost to do this?$8,000.Inthis instance, the paint needed to be chiseled off and the brownstone wall rebuilt. For a standard home,the average national cost of painting the exterior of a home is $2,757, according toHomeAdvisor. In other words, that black paint will cost you in the long run if youever decide to sell.
6. You can chooseother near-black, noirishoptions
There are other ways to add edge and sophistication to your house other than making your home Halloween-ready year-round. If you’re drawn to dark colors, add drama to your exterior with grays and dark blues that, unlike black, still have some warmth. And if you simply must paint part of your home black, please, just stick with a front door or window trim. Your future self will thank you.
